Lies That My Father Told Me

Words are so powerful. They can have quite an impact on us; sometimes they are healing and other times disruptive. Hopefully, my words are freeing to someone today.

If you were meeting my father for the first time, you would probably describe him as charming, handsome, a heroic solider, and someone with the most beautiful smile you have ever seen. These are the exact things that he would want you to say. What you don't know about him, is that he uses his words to cause disruption and chaos in his children's lives. He orchestrated well thought out lies to tell us in order to help him feel some control. We were his puppets controlled by his words. Putting focus on him as a person, and the details of things he has done are not my objective here. My objective is to bring truth to the lies that he has told me, and somehow in some crazy way show some gratitude for them.

Lie #1: Your title, job, and money is EVERYTHING.

My father did not verbally tell me this lie, but he lived and continues to live this idea out everyday. Where he was in life, how much money he made, how many people knew his name is what he lives for. His actions show that his job is worth sacrificing everything for...even if that meant his family. He would stay gone, and leave the "raising the kids" part for the wife, but would be involved in his children's lives when it was convenient for him. I learned very quickly in my college years that you could have all the money, and win the popularity contest, but at the end of the day it does not bring you joy. I would rather live a life where I have to work hard for a living and experience true joy and love, versus being alone and not experiencing the beauties of this life with my silly husband that keeps me laughing, and my squealing toddler with her sassy pigtails.

Lie #2: "You will never be able to live like me".

I remember the day when I finally accepted the truth of who my father had become. I tried for so long to see him differently and to keep our relationship going--- and folks it was exhausting being the only one putting in the work. What is up with us girls chasing down men (boyfriends or daddies) who want nothing to do with us? Long story short...I had finally found the man that would soon become my husband. My father had met him, laughed with him, and told stories of old deployments. I thought wow this is perfect; my father can see how important this person is to me. A few weeks later I received a phone call, and I was told the reasons why I should leave my husband.

-He will not be physically fit.

-He did not get a college degree, and I have a college degree so that will cause issues between us because I am obviously more educated.

-If he ever decides to get out of the military and becomes a firefighter, he won't make a lot of money and "you will never be able to live like me".

Look at those reasons folks. None of those reasons say anything about how my husband cares for me mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually. Judging someone by those qualities could have landed me with anyone, and it wouldn't have mattered to my father. It wouldn't have mattered to him that I could have been with someone who did not care for me or love me, but by golly they were rich, they were fit, and they had a degree. Those are not qualities to measure someone by...but they can land you in a hard place with the wrong person. My husband is my best friend, he keeps me laughing, he is thoughtful, and is a hero to our little family.

I remember one day my father mentioned to me that I was where I was in life because of things he had said or done. I immediately was angry and proclaimed, "No! I am where I am in this life, because of choices I have made." I have put in the hard work. I have lifted myself up when I was down. I am stronger today, because of myself! Where you are in this life, is solely based by the choices you make. Yes, we have influencers and naysayers, but in reality we make the choices, not them!

Lie #3: A woman should be "submissive" and quiet.
That word "submissive" literally makes my skin crawl every time I hear it. And there is something about a woman who has a voice or opinion, that makes my fathers skin crawl. Sometimes I wish he knew who the woman that I am today--one with a voice. I believe in being their for your spouse and for mutual respect, but I also believe that we women do have a voice. We are allowed to have our own opinion.We are allowed to agree and disagree. We are allowed to do things that we're passionate about. I firmly believe that God did not intend for us women to feel stuck or imprisoned in our marriages...it is an equal partnership that is meant to be fun and enjoyable.

The Truth: I truly believe that my father wanted to raise girls who were reliant upon someone else instead of themselves. I believe that he wanted us to only hear his voice instead of listening to the strong voice that lived inside my sister and me. I had a strong voice all along that I wasn't willing to listen to, because I was in fear of what my father thought.

Why do we believe lies that people (including those close to us) tell us? We know our truth for our lives. We can hear our voices loud and strong, but we choose not to listen because of the discomfort or confrontation that it will bring. I believed things that did not speak truth, and it has taken time to question and challenge those lies. Even though my father has brought about confusion and it resulting in lots of counseling, I have to express a little gratitude.

Thank you to the liars, because of you the truth shines so much brighter and I can stand so much stronger. 

Check out this fantastic read by Rachel Hollis for more inspiration.

Girl, Wash Your Face