My First Born Is Turning Two.

My first born is turning two. Cue the crying emojis, and the distraught hashtags of how I #cantdeal.

It brings about a lot of emotions of course with our babies growing older. Us mamas are full of emotions, hormones, and (for me) curse words. But I have to say that this “emotion of my little mini-me” growing up, has surfaced many times in my life, way before I became a mother. I had this “hard to describe” feeling about time!

Time. It felt like it was passing me by so quickly. I would become anxious or upset at my graduations, or how another Christmas had come and gone, or ringing in the New Year. On a night when lovers would kiss at midnight, underneath the fireworks, and sing Auld Lang Syne...I would tear up. Who cries during Auld Lang Syne? Of course, when I had my little bundle of joy- oh boy this anxiety only escalated.

As a working mama, I was consumed by that ugly and disgusting thing that we call Mommy guilt. It plagues us all, whether you stay at home or are a working mama. The emotion where we feel like we aren't enough for our littles. So I had a lot of guilt coming back to my job...the job that I love so much. I had to learn that it was ok to love my child, but also love my job. But at each passing week or month, I would find myself doing this self talk…

“Oh no she’s already a week old.”

“Oh no where did the time go...i am so sad she is getting older.”

“She stopped taking the bottle…#cantdeal.”

“I wish she could stay little forever.”

We have all found ourselves saying these things. People say them to us, which only makes the emotion worse. But one day it stopped for me. I had a mindshift. 

November 2017:

I was dropping off my child before going to work, and cue the mommy guilt!

My phone rang. It was my mom. My 16 year old cousin was found dead in her bedroom floor. My Aunt had gone into her room that morning to wake her, and there my cousin lay lifeless. No warning. No noises during the dark hours of the night. Gone. Now let's compare my morning to hers. I woke up my warm snuggly baby, had some time to rock her after her morning bottle, and was able to steal some kisses from her, before I left for the day. Miles away my Aunt is watching an ambulance pull in their driveway. She is screaming in the yard, and mourning the loss of her daughter, while life around her continued on.

It was a heart attack that took Mackenzie. What 16 year old has a heart attack? She had so much waiting for her. Prom, Friday nights with friends, and lifeguarding at the local pool in the summer. Sunny beach days, songs to blast in the car, and silly boys to dream about. Adventures seeing this beautiful world, a day to say her vows, and maybe one day a child of her own to rock and watch grow. A child to celebrate a first or second birthday with. A chance to do something that I am getting to do now.

But that was gone...like the Bible says, she was “like a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes”. 

And here I am...I have the gift to watch my child grow! I'm watching her learn so much, and God willing, I will watch her take her journey through this life just as my cousin did hers. 

Mamas! 

This is it. This is a blessing. This is something to treasure. My child is here with me today, and I have the audacity to cry about her growing up. I am mourning my child growing. Why are we doing this to ourselves? We are creating unnecessary guilt and anxiety. We are crying our eyes out, because our child has seen another birthday. Do you hear yourself? We all have seen another bright sunny day. You have felt the wind for another day. You have loved another day. You have had that delicious cup of coffee for another day. Stop mourning that! I'm going to be cliché here so brace yourselves…

Stop mourning the days and start living them. There is no other option. We all will continue to grow older. It's either that or the only other option is death. Start celebrating this day. It's worth celebrating...I promise. There is no room for anxiety when you are expressing gratitude. I would not dare stand in front of my Aunt today, and cry about how my child is growing up. I can't do that. That is a slap in the face. What she would give to have Mackenzie turn another year older. What she would do, to go with her sassy teenager to concerts or to their favorite restaurant. She would give it all. Don't slap God in the face for what he has given you.

What is one thing that you can do to celebrate today? What is one way you can “be in this moment” with your child? In the moment… meaning phone down. Time is not speeding up. It never has. There are still the same 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour, and 60 seconds in a minute. That has never changed or sped up. You have sped up. You have spent those minutes doing something else. You have spent the last 5 minutes reading this article...sorry. When you become present in this moment, time will feel not so hurried. 

It is cliché, but it is the truth. Enjoy this time. I am not talking about just with your children. Find some time to enjoy something for yourself. And we will have moments where we are not enjoying life. We will have times where we are annoyed with our littles and need some “me” time. I am not saying you should never feel that way.  That is normal and perfectly ok. But choose to have a mindshift. Pull yourself out of that funk. Focus on the good. When the emotion of “time is flying by” takes over, stop for a moment and express gratitude. Gratitude for the breath you just took. Gratitude for your health. And gratitude for those sweet and sometimes sassy babies.

Much love to you mamas. 

Fly High Princess.