Acknowledging the Darkness to Embrace the Light

This post right here, is one I have wanted to write for quite some time. This post also is one that I don't really know how to start. How do I start talking about something that has made a huge impact on my life, and that has caused me to change my wants, needs and priorities?

 I guess I start with the truth.

The truth is I don't have a good relationship with my dad, in fact we don't have a relationship at all. It was partly my choice but mostly his. You see whenever you have someone in your life that is sucking the life out of you, that is emotionally abusive, and causes more anxiety and pain, rather than joy...you need distance.

My parents were divorced when I was around fifteen, and it was an emotional time for everyone. It was also somewhat a sigh of relief. My parents fought a lot. My dad was angry a lot. And not your normal kind of angry, but punch holes in the wall angry. Lock himself in a room with a gun angry. Yelling as loud as he could angry. 

The military was his life, and he would volunteer for as many deployments as he could. It was very hard to show patriotism and hear others talk about him being a "hero", when we knew the truth was all he cared about was rank and staying away from the responsibilities of having a family. Rank, title, and other peoples opinions were very important to him, and he would sacrifice anything, even if it meant his family.

Eventually he moved away from my sister and me, and we wouldn't see him if it wasn't convenient for him. He would come to town to hang out with his friends, and we would have never known that he was in town if someone had not told us. He never saw me take pictures for prom, he wasn't there for award ceremonies, and he never met any of my boyfriends.

Speaking of boyfriends...looking back I feel so bad for them. Because here they were with a girl who wanted a daddy in her life. Who wanted a man to be there with her, through the important moments a girl goes through, and not just one who sends a text for Christmas and birthdays (sometimes not even that). I was clingy to these boys and wanted to spend every waking minute with them. I wanted them to make me feel valued and loved, because I didn't have a present father who could do that. 

He remarried. Had more children. And we actually got along for a bit during my college years, but at one expense. I would need to listen and sometimes participate in negative talk about my mom. When he spoke negatively about her...he was happy. He was happy with me, as long as I was doing what he wanted. He was happy as long as he had control.

And then something happened. I was with a guy who liked control...so much that I was sexually abused. And I started to notice unhealthy traits in this person and I wanted out. I began to notice anxiety that I had, and also recognized anxiety in my life from my dad. I began to acknowledge the control he had over my life. I began to recognize the anger I had when my dad wouldn't make his children a priority.

I did all the counseling, I did all the journaling, and tirelessly had all the talks with him. I tried to resolve our issues before I got married, and he didn't think he had any fault. He chose to not walk me down the aisle, he quickly took a picture and left, he chose not to stay in touch. If he did, it was a generic text, which I would respond to, and I wouldn't hear from him for months. I would hear from his lawyers, who would subpoena me to answer questions about money and issues in regards to my parents divorce. I would hear from family members who told me that I needed to call or talk to him. But not him.

I became pregnant and I made the decision that my child would not meet my father. My dad wasn't a father to me, so there was no way he could be a grandfather to my daughter. I didn't want my daughter upset about someone in her life coming and going. Someone who would never choose her, and someone that did not have a relationship with her mother. Sometimes I would go back and forth on this decision, because I thought "one day he will change". But he hasn't. He has left another set of children in the dark, fearful, and full of questions. So my decision stays firm. My children will be surrounded by those who love them.

Why do I talk about all of this? For release, for therapy, and for truth. Father's Day was always a holiday that was kind of hard, because my dad wasn't around too much as we got older. I think that is the hard part, because at some point in my life he had to have been a great dad, right? But he was always doing something else, with someone else, so my sister and I would just send a text for Father's Day. Eventually the texts stopped, and we began to celebrate another man in our lives, the man that walked me down the aisle, the father in my life...my stepdad. You see I don't call him dad. I don't call him father. For a long time, I wondered if that bothered him that I didn't call him that. The word dad does not have a happy feeling to it, instead it has a long drawn out story to it.

My dad sent a text one day. He told me that "the reason where I was in life was because of him". I quickly responded with anger that where I was in my life was because of the choices I had made. That statement still stands true, but so does his to a certain extent. While he was trying to take a little credit for my life...a little truth actually shown through. A quote that I love written by Nansia Movidi says, "By acknowledging my darkness, I embrace my light". I had finally done everything that I could do to fix my relationship with my dad...I just couldn't fix him. So I acknowledged him. I acknowledged that he could not be a family man. He didn't choose to act like the father I needed him to be. He couldn't meet my expectations. Once I realized that, I understood there wasn't anything else I could do, but control myself and my own actions. As much as that sucked, I was able to embrace my light when I accepted that truth.

Here I am today, bringing to light some of my darker truths and it has made me stronger. It has made me become the type of parent that I want to be. How I choose family first. How I will choose my children over my job. How I strive to not be a perfect parent, but also not a crappy one either. How I strive to create memories full of laughter and silliness, instead of memories of glaring looks and talks that left you with a broken spirit. 

So you are right dad. Your choices did shape who I have become, and for that 

and only that, I can say "Happy Father's Day".