Guest Takeover: Showing Gratitude for Melissa Fish
Photo Credit: KerFox Photography
and Becca Fincher
In honor of National Midwifery Appreciation week, we are speaking with my midwife Melissa Fish. I was so beyond excited to do this interview with you Melissa, just because you played such an important part in my journey of becoming a mother.
Can you explain to our audience the difference between a doctor and a midwife?
Most midwives, especially in the Southeast, are nurses who go back to school to become Certified Nurse Midwives. There are midwives who were not nurses first, and they are called CPM’s or Certified Professional Midwives. Some states and practice environments do not recognize those midwives.
Midwives care for women’s reproductive health needs, mostly between menarche and menopause. We spend much of our time with pregnant women and families, and provide prenatal care and education for clients in addition to birth care. Our practice only attends birth in the hospital.
What made you choose this career?
What made you choose this career?
My mama had my sister when I was 10. I remember the absolute obsession I had for her pregnant belly! I was constantly feeling the baby move, and asking questions about the baby. She got us the book “A Child is Born” from the library and it had the in utero photos taken by Lennart Nilsson in the 60’s. It was fascinating to follow the development of our baby in those photographs. The book also followed a woman in Europe, and went to prenatal appointments with her as she saw a Midwife. Later, I found a copy of Ina May Gaskin’s book Spiritual Midwifery, in the bargain bin at my college bookstore (Vanderbilt University) and was absolutely mesmerized by her words, her beliefs. I was hooked!
I worked in Labor and Delivery for a couple of years right out of college and was lucky enough to work with 6 midwives during that time. Then I did graduate school as a nurse practitioner at UAB in Birmingham. I had veterans benefits (through my father who had been shot in Vietnam) and they had to be used in an Alabama School. I fell into a job with the UAB In Vitro Fertilization Program and worked there for a while. When UAB decided to start a Midwifery program, the faculty called me to be in the first class and I jumped at the chance. I graduated in 1991.
What is your favorite part about being a midwife?
My favorite part of Midwifery is building relationships with women and their families, watching them grow and seeing how their lives unfold.
My favorite part of Midwifery is building relationships with women and their families, watching them grow and seeing how their lives unfold.
I have heard many women speak about how they feel a deep bond with you. Do you realize the impact that you make on your patients lives?
I, too, feel a deep connection to many of the women I see. When you help shape one of the most exciting parts of a woman’s life and hold her hand as she walks into motherhood, you feel a bond with her. Birth, in my opinion, is one of the two sacred spaces in a person’s life. I am the guardian of the space, trying to make it as safe, and satisfying as possible. My belief is that the day you give birth should be a wonderful, uplifting day, that every woman should believe that she did a great job, and that every family should surround the mama with good and positive support. Unfortunately, that does not happen for everyone.
Well I certainly agree with others about feeling a deep bond with you. What is the worst part of your job?
I, too, feel a deep connection to many of the women I see. When you help shape one of the most exciting parts of a woman’s life and hold her hand as she walks into motherhood, you feel a bond with her. Birth, in my opinion, is one of the two sacred spaces in a person’s life. I am the guardian of the space, trying to make it as safe, and satisfying as possible. My belief is that the day you give birth should be a wonderful, uplifting day, that every woman should believe that she did a great job, and that every family should surround the mama with good and positive support. Unfortunately, that does not happen for everyone.
Well I certainly agree with others about feeling a deep bond with you. What is the worst part of your job?
Oh, what a hard question! Of course, it is overwhelming when someone loses a baby, or has a miscarriage. Those moments are gut wrenching and horribly sad. Those women ask why, but most often have family and a partner to lean into with their grief. Another bad day on the job, is when I diagnose an STD in a woman who believes herself to be in a monogamous relationship. That is one of the hardest things to say out loud. The person she trusts is no longer trustworthy, and her relationship becomes a lie on some level. That too, hard for me...is another whole kind of death.
I imagine that is hard! I remember being so fearful about labor and delivery. What do you want your patients to understand when they are fearful about childbirth?
I imagine that is hard! I remember being so fearful about labor and delivery. What do you want your patients to understand when they are fearful about childbirth?
I want women to know that our bodies were created for this work, and that millions and millions of women before them have done this and they can, too. Also, I want them to know that we are here with them. Many times I feel like just being present in the room is a comfort to women, but for most, touch is the best reassurance. Rubbing a shoulder, back, or hip...giving a foot massage, sitting by the bed to palpate contractions, makes women know they are not alone. Encouraging support persons to connect in this way is equally important.
Not everyone attends childbirth classes and so many families and partners need to be taught how to reassure. I was lucky enough to be raised by loving and nurturing parents, but in my career I have learned that this is not the reality for so many women. Abuse and neglect leave giant wounds in people, gaping holes that allow anxiety and depression and other forms of mental illness to creep in and take hold. I am overwhelmed as I listen to some clients stories and realize what they have endured. Part of me wants to take them home and love on them, and try to make them whole again.
What is the scariest moment of your job?
What is the scariest moment of your job?
In birth, fetal distress, hemorrhage, and shoulder dystocia. Those are all events that create an adrenaline surge. As wonderful as birth can be, those three emergencies are life and death and if you don’t make the right decisions, do the right maneuvers, call the right shots, outcomes can be devastating, and lives can be lost. And sometimes even if you do everything right, the outcome can be devastating and life can be lost. Hindsight is most always, 20/20. I am humbled every time one of these complications occur, and grateful to God for wisdom, guidance, and teamwork. We are all moments away from tragic loss at any given time. Being grateful for each minute, each kiss, each flower, each sunrise, is the space I try to live in daily. It is hard. I get discouraged and tired, and overwhelmed like everyone else. I have an amazing husband who has taught me so much about gratitude on a daily basis.
You have helped bring so many lives into this world. What thoughts do you have when you meet the baby for the first time?
Gratitude first, always! Thanks be to God for this precious child.
Could you guess how many babies you have delivered since becoming a midwife?
I recently did a tally and this year I am coming up on 4,000! Amazing to think about. My husband feels like I deliver everyone in town, because almost anywhere we go, we see someone I have cared for at some point. He also says he never noticed pregnant women until he married me and now they are everywhere!
You have helped bring so many lives into this world. What thoughts do you have when you meet the baby for the first time?
Gratitude first, always! Thanks be to God for this precious child.
Could you guess how many babies you have delivered since becoming a midwife?
I recently did a tally and this year I am coming up on 4,000! Amazing to think about. My husband feels like I deliver everyone in town, because almost anywhere we go, we see someone I have cared for at some point. He also says he never noticed pregnant women until he married me and now they are everywhere!
My goodness that is a lot of babies!! What do you want women to know and believe about themselves?
I want them to know that they are much stronger and more capable than they believe. Some of my favorite births, are the ones when women who are expecting epidurals come into labor and move so quickly that they don’t have time for an epidural. There is an initial panic for most of them, and I hate that! But when they dig in deep inside themselves and get through labor, and push their baby out, and feel the overwhelming surge of hormones after, they discover a new part of themselves, a part they didn’t even know existed. They leave with a feeling of power, pride, resilience that many have never known before. That is good stuff!!
What was your birthing experiences like? Did you receive the same care that you are providing to your patients?
My first birth was with a doctor friend. I had preterm labor at 30 weeks and spent 7 weeks on bedrest with him. That was so hard! After I got off bedrest, I thought I would have a baby right away, but a month later I was still pregnant. I finally went into labor on a Saturday morning and had an unmedicated birth that afternoon. I panicked a little around 7 cm and thought “I can’t do this!” My husband walked me through just one more contraction, then just one more. Suddenly my water broke and I felt an urge to push, and from that point, it was very fast. I did immediate skin to skin and breastfed for a good long time.
Between my first 2 kids, I had a miscarriage. The pregnancy was unplanned. I was still breastfeeding some, having irregular periods and in Midwifery school. My husband was working in Mobile. I went there for the weekend and forgot to take my diaphragm, and oops! When I first found out I was pregnant, I was upset, because I was afraid it would interfere with school. Then when I miscarried at 11 weeks, I was even more upset! Of course, I immediately wanted to be pregnant again.
I got pregnant with the next baby right at the end of Midwifery school. She was born at UAB with an amazing Dutch Midwife that I am still friends with today. My water broke in the wee hours of the morning, but no contractions until after 2 pm. The labor was fast, most of it spent on the toilet with a pillow behind my back. She came flying out so fast that the midwife barely got her gloves on! She was an easy baby, and nursed for 2 ½ years.
I want them to know that they are much stronger and more capable than they believe. Some of my favorite births, are the ones when women who are expecting epidurals come into labor and move so quickly that they don’t have time for an epidural. There is an initial panic for most of them, and I hate that! But when they dig in deep inside themselves and get through labor, and push their baby out, and feel the overwhelming surge of hormones after, they discover a new part of themselves, a part they didn’t even know existed. They leave with a feeling of power, pride, resilience that many have never known before. That is good stuff!!
What was your birthing experiences like? Did you receive the same care that you are providing to your patients?
My first birth was with a doctor friend. I had preterm labor at 30 weeks and spent 7 weeks on bedrest with him. That was so hard! After I got off bedrest, I thought I would have a baby right away, but a month later I was still pregnant. I finally went into labor on a Saturday morning and had an unmedicated birth that afternoon. I panicked a little around 7 cm and thought “I can’t do this!” My husband walked me through just one more contraction, then just one more. Suddenly my water broke and I felt an urge to push, and from that point, it was very fast. I did immediate skin to skin and breastfed for a good long time.
Between my first 2 kids, I had a miscarriage. The pregnancy was unplanned. I was still breastfeeding some, having irregular periods and in Midwifery school. My husband was working in Mobile. I went there for the weekend and forgot to take my diaphragm, and oops! When I first found out I was pregnant, I was upset, because I was afraid it would interfere with school. Then when I miscarried at 11 weeks, I was even more upset! Of course, I immediately wanted to be pregnant again.
I got pregnant with the next baby right at the end of Midwifery school. She was born at UAB with an amazing Dutch Midwife that I am still friends with today. My water broke in the wee hours of the morning, but no contractions until after 2 pm. The labor was fast, most of it spent on the toilet with a pillow behind my back. She came flying out so fast that the midwife barely got her gloves on! She was an easy baby, and nursed for 2 ½ years.
My last pregnancy was in 1995. I was about to turn 35, and it was a hard year for our family. Everything was harder with that pregnancy. The birth however, was good. I had her at home with my midwife partners and family around. It was quick once it got going. She was born at 5:13 in the morning. I had breakfast in bed while nursing the baby. Everything went beautifully, until just after lunch time when my husband was in the bedroom and said “what’s for dinner?”. My thought was “crap, I should have gone to the hospital!” in his defense, he just wanted directions on what to cook, not for me to get up and do it!
All of my births were good! I felt supported and encouraged by the people present. I felt the overwhelming joy, relief, high, after each one in a little different way, but always felt powerful and blessed.
Were you sad when you were no longer in the “baby making phase” of you life? What is it like being a mother to older children now?
YES! And NO! I woke up one day and realized I didn’t want anymore babies. I loved every stage of their growing up, except maybe a 12-13 year old boy. That was not so good. But he is about to be 30 and a great guy now! Watching your kids become the people you helped to shape is amazing. They don’t do things just like you would, or always make the choices you hope they will make.
My job as the mom of grownup kids is to listen, to give advice when asked, to ask them questions to help them explore other possibilities, and to continue to love them unconditionally. Lucky for me, my three are all great humans! My middle child, oldest daughter is now pregnant with my first grandchild! We are so excited! She is not finding out the gender, and will have a midwife attend the birth in Germany. I don’t know what her labor choices will look like, but I know I have helped her to be informed and taught her how to ask all the questions. She has a wonderful husband who will be by her side, and I will be praying that she has easy births like her mom and grandmother.
All of my births were good! I felt supported and encouraged by the people present. I felt the overwhelming joy, relief, high, after each one in a little different way, but always felt powerful and blessed.
Were you sad when you were no longer in the “baby making phase” of you life? What is it like being a mother to older children now?
YES! And NO! I woke up one day and realized I didn’t want anymore babies. I loved every stage of their growing up, except maybe a 12-13 year old boy. That was not so good. But he is about to be 30 and a great guy now! Watching your kids become the people you helped to shape is amazing. They don’t do things just like you would, or always make the choices you hope they will make.
My job as the mom of grownup kids is to listen, to give advice when asked, to ask them questions to help them explore other possibilities, and to continue to love them unconditionally. Lucky for me, my three are all great humans! My middle child, oldest daughter is now pregnant with my first grandchild! We are so excited! She is not finding out the gender, and will have a midwife attend the birth in Germany. I don’t know what her labor choices will look like, but I know I have helped her to be informed and taught her how to ask all the questions. She has a wonderful husband who will be by her side, and I will be praying that she has easy births like her mom and grandmother.
Do you feel like women know enough about their bodies (cycles, ovulation, menopause, etc) or do we have room to improve?
We don’t know enough, and unfortunately, not everything you read on the internet is true. Medical science is continually evolving and even providers are struggling to keep up with the latest. Basic menstrual function and male and female reproductive biology should be taught in school. We should talk more openly to our children as they are growing up and teach reproductive responsibility to our boys and girls.
Who is the strongest woman you know?
Hard question! Probably my mom. My dad was in the Army and gone a lot when we were kids, and then he was shot in Vietnam in 1968. He came home in a body cast and was in the hospital on and off for about a year. He had lots of health problems and probably 30 surgeries over his life. She was his caretaker and nurse. Always by his side. There were many times when we thought he might die, and she dealt with all of that with grace and resilience. He did pass away in 2017 and she has done very well at adjusting to her new life, though I cannot imagine how hard that must be after 60 years together.
Here at T+G, we are all about seeking our truths through journaling and digging deep. What does “knowing your truth” mean to you? What is your truth?
We don’t know enough, and unfortunately, not everything you read on the internet is true. Medical science is continually evolving and even providers are struggling to keep up with the latest. Basic menstrual function and male and female reproductive biology should be taught in school. We should talk more openly to our children as they are growing up and teach reproductive responsibility to our boys and girls.
Who is the strongest woman you know?
Hard question! Probably my mom. My dad was in the Army and gone a lot when we were kids, and then he was shot in Vietnam in 1968. He came home in a body cast and was in the hospital on and off for about a year. He had lots of health problems and probably 30 surgeries over his life. She was his caretaker and nurse. Always by his side. There were many times when we thought he might die, and she dealt with all of that with grace and resilience. He did pass away in 2017 and she has done very well at adjusting to her new life, though I cannot imagine how hard that must be after 60 years together.
Here at T+G, we are all about seeking our truths through journaling and digging deep. What does “knowing your truth” mean to you? What is your truth?
Knowing my truth...hmmm. My truth is that life is hard, and that all any of us can really do is the next right at any given moment. Stop wherever you are and think, what is the next right thing. Don’t spend too much time looking back at mistakes or regrets as that encourages depression. And don’t spend energy worrying about tomorrow or next year, because that encourages anxiety. Just try to focus on this day, these people, this moment, and feel it fully, joyfully. I am working on this. Gratitude for this moment, this taste, this sunset, this place. Gratitude that I was lucky enough to find a career that brings me joy, a family that loves and supports my efforts, a husband who holds me close, but also gives me space. I still have truths to learn, and I am hoping that I will have plenty of years ahead to learn!
T+G Quick Snapshot of Melissa Fish
Coffee or Tea: Coffee
Open toed or closed toed shoes: Closed
Hot or Cold Weather: Cold, but not too cold
Currently Reading: Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
Describe you: I am looking forward to what the next great thing is in my life.